The Scent of Longing

I woke up this morning wishing I could call my mom; and wondering when my oldest daughter will get over the thing she thinks was bad enough to not speak to me for over 3 months.  If only I could have just three more months with my mom, I’d be the happiest girl in the world.  I miss her so bad on most days, that it’s unbearable.  She was a forty-something mom too. 

So many times she’d tell me the story of how I came to be; how my Daddy gave me my name; how I would always be her baby.  My heart continues to hurt.  I wish I could call her and have her be the mediator between me and my oldest daughter ‘M’.  I miss her pretty face.  I miss my precious little grandson; his smile that will light up any dark day or pitch-black room.  He is a gem…a priceless gem!  And I haven’t gotten to see him…hold him…smell the way my little guy smells; like a bit of dried up milk and…well…like my grandson. 

We all have our own scent; that one way we smell to those around us, whether it be good or bad.  When you love someone, that scent-of-a-person is always a welcoming thing; like going home after being away for a long…long time.  My mom always smelled like Roses and perfume; an indescribable scent that belonged only to her. 

I can open the jewelry box that I inherited; the one that had belonged to Mom since I can’t remember—perhaps longer than I’ve been alive—and it still has her scent.  I’m careful not to open it too often…so-as not to lose it forever.  At least that way, I still have my mom…at least a little.   

Even still, knowing the changes that will be taking place in our lives this coming month; the changes that are already taking shape, I want to see and talk to…to hug my ‘M’ and little ‘J’ even more.  My heart hurts more and more with every thought and wonder of how they are doing.  Are they safe…?  Are they happy…?  How much bigger is my little guy now than he was back in December; the last time I got to hold him in my arms all night because he was down with a fever and his mom had something to do.  I wish I could make it all right again.  I wish…I could cry more often…to release the years of pain and hurt built-up inside of my heart.  I wish my kids could see inside of me…inside my heart, then they would never have any doubt about how much I really do love them.  Nothing will ever change that.

So now I am faced with the tasks at hand: too many to mention in one sitting.  It is time to roll with the wind once more…and see what needs to be seen.  I have sat here day after day, wondering when it will all seem new again; when my kids will pull up into the drive; when it will all be better, but it is still just what it is.  That is why I have to go with the flow–do what needs to be done, face what needs to be faced, and hope and pray that one day…soon, my family will all be one once again.  We will all be alright…truly better for having suffered through this time; minus of course that one void we will never be able to fill.  My mom is still not with us.  I miss her.  I miss her. 

*Love like there is no tomorrow.  Forgive like you wish to be forgiven*  

The Land of Lost Toys

Baby Cuddles Her Favorite Toy — Mr. Bear

It’s funny how we can grow attached to the simplest things when we’re kids (even adults); like my toddler’s Mr. Bear. He’s gone missing…so it seems, and nowhere we’ve searched has he shown his pink, fuzzy face. You see…? He’s not just any bear. He’s Mr. Bear! He is a very special little bear, when it comes down to that one toy my little girl wants when it comes time to travel, eat, sleep…anything in between. He is her favorite toy…out of all the rest, and he hasn’t been seen for several days.

It might sound funny to those of you who’ve never experienced the attachment one can grow to a seemingly unimportant object, but the love is in the giver, the owner, perhaps even the co-owners; such as Mommy and Daddy (Nico and myself). Either way, we are feeling a sense of remorse for not better-looking-after Mr. Bear; a feeling of grief that a member of our family is no longer with us. And his little owner is missing him very much these past few days; especially yesterday. She was asking for him when we were loading up to make a simple trip to the store. Nico and I just looked at each other; careful not to comment any further on Baby’s requests for her little guy.

Still, my heart aches for her loss of the bear she’s had since before she was ever born; the cuddly soft, once pretty and pink, little stuffed bear that her aunt–my big sister–had given her at her baby shower. Through all our travels, Mr. Bear has been there. When Baby came home, brand-spanking-new from the hospital, Mr. Bear was there. In all of her photos, from newborn on up to a few days ago, that not-quite-so-pink-anymore bear has been in her little arms; usually dirty because she won’t let go of him long enough for us to wash him. That’s how loved that little bear is by our little girl. And he’s gpne. I pray we find him, because–even though I know this must all sound silly to so many–we miss that grungy, flip-floppy, little guy. We really do.

So…this is a message, a warning of sorts, to all of you parents out there…to watch closely after that one toy you know your child would miss the most should it ever come up missing; I know I wish now, I would have.

Many Blessings that you never have to endure such a loss of your or your child’s, favorite thing in life; no matter how simple it may be. I pray we find our Mr. Bear soon. His family is missing him very…very much!

*Sometimes the Smallest things in Life, Matter the most*