I woke up this morning wishing I could call my mom; and wondering when my oldest daughter will get over the thing she thinks was bad enough to not speak to me for over 3 months. If only I could have just three more months with my mom, I’d be the happiest girl in the world. I miss her so bad on most days, that it’s unbearable. She was a forty-something mom too.
So many times she’d tell me the story of how I came to be; how my Daddy gave me my name; how I would always be her baby. My heart continues to hurt. I wish I could call her and have her be the mediator between me and my oldest daughter ‘M’. I miss her pretty face. I miss my precious little grandson; his smile that will light up any dark day or pitch-black room. He is a gem…a priceless gem! And I haven’t gotten to see him…hold him…smell the way my little guy smells; like a bit of dried up milk and…well…like my grandson.
We all have our own scent; that one way we smell to those around us, whether it be good or bad. When you love someone, that scent-of-a-person is always a welcoming thing; like going home after being away for a long…long time. My mom always smelled like Roses and perfume; an indescribable scent that belonged only to her.
I can open the jewelry box that I inherited; the one that had belonged to Mom since I can’t remember—perhaps longer than I’ve been alive—and it still has her scent. I’m careful not to open it too often…so-as not to lose it forever. At least that way, I still have my mom…at least a little.
Even still, knowing the changes that will be taking place in our lives this coming month; the changes that are already taking shape, I want to see and talk to…to hug my ‘M’ and little ‘J’ even more. My heart hurts more and more with every thought and wonder of how they are doing. Are they safe…? Are they happy…? How much bigger is my little guy now than he was back in December; the last time I got to hold him in my arms all night because he was down with a fever and his mom had something to do. I wish I could make it all right again. I wish…I could cry more often…to release the years of pain and hurt built-up inside of my heart. I wish my kids could see inside of me…inside my heart, then they would never have any doubt about how much I really do love them. Nothing will ever change that.
So now I am faced with the tasks at hand: too many to mention in one sitting. It is time to roll with the wind once more…and see what needs to be seen. I have sat here day after day, wondering when it will all seem new again; when my kids will pull up into the drive; when it will all be better, but it is still just what it is. That is why I have to go with the flow–do what needs to be done, face what needs to be faced, and hope and pray that one day…soon, my family will all be one once again. We will all be alright…truly better for having suffered through this time; minus of course that one void we will never be able to fill. My mom is still not with us. I miss her. I miss her.
*Love like there is no tomorrow. Forgive like you wish to be forgiven*