*I’m up early this morn–I had a dream about my daughter (the oldest one)* I miss her face and my GBear, too. : (
As the dream went: She was at my door–where we lived before–and she looked very sad and lost. I quickly unlocked the chain when I saw it was her. She was wearing a red T-Shirt; the one she always wore to sleep, the words “I’m a Pepper” written across it. I was holding my toddler on my hip, and she began asking about her nephew–my grandson…the son of my oldest–as they had become quite close since he came home from the hospital. He had been born with complications and specials needs at only 3.5 lbs, but had quickly grown into a heppy…healthy little tyke. *My heart hurts to see his smile.*
In my dream, my oldest (I’ll call her ‘M’), reached for Baby (my youngest) but Baby turned away and kept asking for my grandson. My daughter ‘M’ didn’t seem to care that I was standing there, but then it all faded away and I felt a very eery feeling come over me….just before I woke up in tears.
Hubby heard my sobbing and tried to console me, even though he wasn’t quite awake yet. Now, it’s early morning Saturday….and I’m feeling scared for my daughter and grandson. I want to hold him in my arms. I want to hold her like I did when she was young. I feel so lost for answers, as I’ve tried to call her…but she does not answer. I’ve tried to call my son too–though he’s another story entirely–he doesn’t answer either.
My kids (minus Baby) have 86’ed me from their lives. The reason my daughter ‘M’ might give is that I stood her up for a dinner that I RSVP’ed to–though most people will never hear the part where she told me not to go, she didn’t want me there; right before hanging up in my ear. We decided against exposing our youngest to any drama that might ensue should we go anyway.
As for my son–He never called me and asked what was going on between me and his big sister. He just went to linching me right along with her. Still, I’m not mad at either on of them…even if the trust has crumbled. I miss them, even though they have the tendencies to dig up old bones, that are distorted in truth at best. I love them…no matter what they do or say to me. As I’m sure all mother’s know–Our love is unconditional.
Still, I wish I could go back to sleep…if only to see my daughter’s face once again. My grandson wasn’t in the dream, though I wondered where he was. I miss his sweet smile. I miss my son’s goofy nature…and when was the class clown; the teachers always sending home notes. I still hope that someday…he’ll become a comedian in movies, like Jim Carrey. I’ll never give up on my kids. I sooner give up on myself.
The sun is rising-fast across the lake. How I wish they could be here with me to see it.
*Oh my aching heart*
Forty Something Parents 